- Su's Kompeito World -

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Hi bloggie..

I can't believe a week has passed since my last entry. And my grandpa.. is still alive during my last entry.

Yes. My ah gong (grandpa) passed away peacefully in the hospital on 27 July 2006 11.34pm. I was right there visiting him 2hrs ago. I shouldn't left the hospital, my instinct is telling me that something gotta happen.

He never woke up that day when I visit him, didn't even respond back, didn't even open his eyes. His heart beat was normal before I arrive, but it started to become irregular when I just reach.. For every 6-7 beat.. the heart pumps weakly for 1 beat.

That's bad... His blood pressure is about 50.. The expression on the doctor face seems bad.. Nevertheless, the doctor said if we knew about his condition? and not to worry, it's only a slight decrease in addition to his decreasing blood pressure.
O.o isit??

I left the hospital.. at about 9.30pm. Heading to ah ma's house to accompany her, went to bed earlier then usual at 10.45pm. That's the worst night i could have when the dreadful call.. The phone starts ringing at 11.40, woke me and taki up. Ah ma rushed into our room. I heard the news from ah beng uncle, "ah gong qu le" (your grandpa has passed away".

I totally can't remember how i cope with it, I only told ah ma to pack and rush to the hospital instantly. I guess, my expression said it all.. I'm practically trying hold my tears. Ah ma started sobbing as she packed her things.. I can't remember much.. but i believe a second call from my dad to my granny prolly confirmed her doubts as she started arranging for the funeral services.

The next few days is.. blank as I tried to block out all the truth. Despite seeing his body in the chinese tang dynasty like clothes... removing his pocket from all his clothes and packing it into his coffin.. stopping the clock and covering the "god statue" with the red paper...

Nothing seems to be telling my the truth that he's dead. Despite breaking down so many times.. I still think that he's around. "Isn't he??", i think about it as i look at his coffin while burning the hell notes. "He's lying beside me.. isn't he?", I think.. at least his body is.. My ah gong is still here with me..

Finally days passed.. the last day of funeral arrived.. WHY?!?!? why must there be a last day? I don't might holding the funeral forever... just to keep ourselves busy and him beside us. I doubt I am even a good granddaughter. Consider that I never once hold his hand, until the very last moment when he's hospital that i held his hand, pat his head softy.. Will he know that I love him so much throught this tiny gester? Is he about to know about it even when he's in coma? I'll trade everything if I can spend one more day with him alive and healthy.

"We will definitely take a family photo with him this time during the family outing!" That's what most of us will do if we can turn back time. Not even a recent photo of him...

Anyway.. the last day of funeral is on a sat night, filled with prayer and tears.. Every close relative i met.. said only the same sentence.. "Why so fast?"

It's only during the cremate services.. that i finally force myself to accept the truth that he's gone. I mean.. I know he's dead.. but.. the fact that he's gone is quite different. Everyone starts breaking down the moment his coffin is pushed in. No one can bear leaving my grandpa.. For he is the best grandpa I could have. For he's never bias towards anyone, and for his slience contribution to us.. Which always go easily unnotice..

Even tho you never talk much, and is always doing your things sliently at a corner.. The house feels so empty without you. Often I'll look at coffee table in the living room where you are always playing your cards.. your bed.. and the window which is always close, the entrance gate where you sit down as you burn the offerings, the old tv set where you have to stare at it for so long to figure out what the lottery winning number is.. in the end gave up and get one of us to write it for you, your kopi-o which will always be my fav coffee, and you walking to the room entrance peeping and checking if we are awake, or calling us to go for our meals..

Ah Gong.. I'll miss you forever..

There are only two types of person, those who likes Su's kompeito and those who don't. # ;

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