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Su aka Stellvia
I'm just another bossy person who thinks that the world is solely mine... LOL.. if only..
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Haha.. I've change the picture tho..
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Dear Bloggie,
16 days have past.. Seems to be getting used to the new lifestyle pretty well. The fear of forget continue to linger, but at least I don't break into tears when I see his things or when I cross by the Novena mrt station. He's gone.. Ya.. I understand it perfectly well.
Maybe I'm seeking for attention or trying to turn myself into the leading character of some tragic story. I kept deliberately forcing myself to think of my grandpa at least 3 times a day.
My brain is obviously trying to block me from recalling it, it's like a transparent glass that allows me to recall yet I can't really get close to it or focus on the details. Everything seems blurry. I'm worried that I will forget. What if my memories of him disappear if I stop recalling him one day? I seems to lost the feeling of touching him, and hearing his voice.. and seeing his looks..
Whenever I force myself to recall, I force myself to be sad. Is it all deliberate? Maybe I just wanna make myself feel sad? I don't really truthfully want to recall him? That's why my brain is blocking myself from accessing the memories easily.
I can't seems to sleep well lately, I know perfectly that he wouldn't appear to me in the night. Even as a ghost, I never had the luck to see one anyway. I just can't help it staring at the door hoping he'll appear. I've read thr http://www.imh.com.sg/patient_education/bereavement.htm , they said it's part of the bereavement process. So I'm handling it pretty well.
Now the only person to worry about is my granny. "Elderly bereaved partners may need help with the chores that the deceased partner used to handle ??coping with bills, cooking, housework, getting the car serviced and so on." I have no idea what my grandpa used to be incharge? I have no idea about the prayers and the coffee brewing portion, but those are the things I know that he does all the time.
Did I really do any good by staying with my granny? I did I only increased the chores instead of helping her with the chores.. Gomen ne..
Su
There are only two types of person, those who likes Su's kompeito and those who don't. # ;