- Su's Kompeito World -

Friday, January 09, 2004

Hi bloggie,

Times flies again. I am here to do some update on my life. For those who wanna some lighthearted story or just happen to be here.. you may leave now, there is nothing much lighthearted for this blog..

Life's been rather tough. I never understand why it could be so different, or maybe it is only for my case. People always seems to say adolescent is tough, to deal with growing up, and school, and the transit of change. But it is never a problem to me. My parents never had to worry about me staying out late, going out with the wrong people, learning the wrong things. I am a labelled-good-nerdy-teen, or maybe what I think so.

I thought that stage is tough and since it is over, it should be better after that. I know working is another thing of being adult, usually the beginning of a long and endless life of burden, routine life style. I am so prepared for it. I mean, I have already spend my adolescent period in such a boring way, and I can do it then, when all my friends are happily partying and enjoying their life, what can't I do that in my future. In my new life as an adult.

I grown up in a wonderful family. My parents they are very flexible in educating childrens. We are never forced to study or to do anything we hate. We went out every weekend using the company car, normally to someplace new. To the garden, seaside, to some hard-to-find farm in the city, or just driving around to look around. He always enjoys to play games, and arcade!! Our favourite spot. I bet my dad can't wait to drag us there, although, normally we are the one who suggest that. We often played for at least $50 to $100. It seems alot, most parents there are like "last game for you, you can't play too much." While my dad, he is the one who is enjoying the most.

And during normal weekdays, I always report to my mom anxiously about my school, even when I am in highschool (secondary school). I loved doing that. My mom must be bored after a whole day of house-work. My conversion always excite her. And my sisters will reach home from school and we will wait for my dad and we will start a long long conversion from the tv-show to the news to anything that we saw. Everyday is fun and enjoyment.

My last year of highschool, My dad started a new business, during the economic-crisis, we never understand why he choose to start his own business, some conflicts at work I believe. But, without a stable income, my mom went out to work to support us with her $1200 pay. 3 childrens, and all in school. Education in Singapore is tough. (Each of us needs at least $150 of allowance and $50 for our school expenses, and $50 tution for me (subsidies by a charity organisation)) It is alot for her, she can't even bear to spend $10 on anything she likes just for us.

My life is so affected by the change, no cars for us, no more gifts occasionally for us as surprise. No more weekly outing. No more surprise allowance and trips to arcade. I cried.. Those wonderful things, all my friends have it at least something better than that, yet, I have to restrict my spending and outings, but at least I have my daily allowance.. It's not that bad yet. $5 per day is consider reasonable. I can still afford occasion outings and alot of fastfood with my buddies. Yet, I cried.. We shifted and I pray for better days to come. And my mom, she is the one holding on, of course things happen at her workplace, things beyond my imagination which I might talk about someday.

Time flies, I went to a local polytechnic. Expenses are much more higher than than. I took $10 out almost everyday. But I learnt to save up, not to bank in, but to spend on something else. My friends are buying clothes and accessories so frequently, but, I save up my expenses by going for less outing with them and an occasionally spending-spee.. What they spend on that trip might be what I have saved up. At least, to them, I just don't go out as often as others. Yet, I can go shopping with them occasionally. Of course, I don't spend alot, and I never told them that I about it, everyone of them have around $10 of allowance. , so do I. But, I rather my mom keeping a few more $10. Not alot, but it helps. My mom never knew, she though I didn't have plans for that day with my friends. I still spend alot, but most of the time, I look for something that I can share with my sisters and tell my sisters about it. Or maybe something that will interest them, tho' I delibrately refuse to let them use it. That's part of the fun too.. Yet, I never bought much clothings...

AS for my mom, she never knew I was the one who rejected all the outing invitation from my friends, although some times if I go, i will just tell them I prefer wearing T-shirts or I just don't like it. At least, those shops they visit never sell much T-shirts. Anyway, I am used to T-shirt since highschool. We hardly afford anything more than that, we never requested, my mom will try to buy it for us, using her meal allowances. She is such a great mom. But I had my fun too, and we remain a very close family. What is tough about being a adolescent? Staying at home helps, less influence from outside, more conversion with your parents, we still talk about everything. I love the I do what I like thingy, cos sometimes, you don't have to explain everything.

To think of it now, all these did shape me, I never ask much about others life, cos I understand, sometimes, I don't say becos I want to keep it a secret. Why ask? And so, I became a person who never ask, you can cry infront of me, and I would be there to pass you the tissue paper, and wait. I never ask, I know some of my friends might hate that. It seems that I am so cold towards them. Hardly went out with them, never ask much about them, of course sometimes, I do have to ask, but I never probe into it. Something, I love, I love to observe, you know how some times, people reacts to questions, it seems funny.

I love to ask some out-the-world question, but I learn to understand that as weird. But, we still play with that sometimes, but most of the time, I prefer to talk about crap. Cos, when you talk about crap, no one will ever realise if you pop in a weird question and they will just answer it. They will only define me as funny person or just hard-to-understand. Well, that's fine to me... It will be great if they give up trying to understand me. I know my sister is always trying to crack into me, she is forever complaining that i am so hard-to-understand.

(To the trying to crack into me sis) Well, if you are reading, let me tell you, there is too much of me that you can even try to figure out not to mention understanding. Maths is tough, and I failed my math.. The formula I could have come up with is mostly crap and out-of-the-world. How are you ever going to figure it out using those programmed mind of yours. You know, I am the one who dump whatever information that shaped you into what you are today. hahaha (from the unreasonable and illogical sister)

Back to none-crap

Some how, some way, some times, life just decide things for you, and take a change without even consulting you. maybe it change when my dad started his company.. The problem only surfaced when we discover that my grandma has a heartproblem. That was at the end of my first year of polytechnic. She end up staying in the hospital for almost 2 months. My sis and I went to visit her straight after school every day, we have to rush and finish our homework there. So much conflicts happened, my uncle refuse to pay for the expenses, we never tell our grandma, he seems to be the one she dote on the most, anyway, my dad says "he is my brother too.." Well, his brother ya.. I am only his niece, what can i say. But most of my aunties and uncles are helpful, but they can't fork out the time to visit so often. So, we take care of that. Our cash flow became a problem during then, the increase travel expenses, the medical and meals (we had meals outside everyday, becos all of us visit grandma everyday) but, my dad was earning enough to cover it using his saving. It's a big problem but yet, he easily solved problem. We thought the worst have gone, although it means we have to take care of my grandma's monthly medical expenses, she is still well enough to look after herself. And my sister is working part time too..

Tougher, but we can make it some how. That's what i believe.

And soon his business have failed, and he is working as a driver. Pay is about the same when he is self-employed. But at least it is fixed and his working hours too.. That last only for a short while. He discover that he have heart problem too.. For those who read my blog, I believe you do understand the problems he have. I did write a long essay on the heart problems before. Anyway, the medical bills was much higher than my grandma's. It was my last year of polytechnic. Thank god for that. We finally used up all our saving on the medical bills, and we have to try to manage the monthly medical expenses.. My uncles took over my grandma's medical expenses. And that ungrateful uncle is still not paying for any of those. My grandma still dotes on him tho. Maybe due to his son, the one and only grandson in our family. Chinese family.. Sons are always better.. I never understand that..

I thought things will be the same, so what if my dad is hospitalise, we can survive my grandma's, we can survive that too. Right? I am graduating, we can make it.. I am sure.. And I can look after my dad after my graduation, and my sis are in their secondary and technical education. ya.... we.. can...

By then, almost all the savings are gone. My dad never recover from it "mentally". Initially, he kept complaining about his health, how terrible this is and that. HE can't even drive a car now. Becos of the risk of a heartattack anytime. He can't do any heavy labour, and he is not even high-school graduate, not to talk about any decent office job. Maybe he have realise that, he began to reject alot of things, he complain about his health all the time. Noise.. Well, he is a patient, we tried to let him complain, because, we can't do anything except to pray that he will get better. He did get better physically, but the complains never stop.

It is getting so irritiating, I know, he is my dad, and maybe that is his way of relieving his grief and unhappiness about this heart problem, he is still young.. 40++ and a heart problem.. But, who on the earth can stand a constant headache that keeps drilling in your head. As time passes, we express to him that it is getting irritiating.. the medical report shows that he is getting well.. and, we know that he is feeling some uncomfort, but he don't have to tell us all the time. Even since the first day, we been telling him to consult the doctor for advise. I wonder, if he even told the doctor or maybe the problem never exists. I been to the doctor with him, and the doctor conclude that as normal, part of the body system of reacting to his condition. We understand it, yet my dad kept complaining.

Finally he started to work with my mom. The stall they have, but, problems kept arising. My dad, maybe due to his ego, he kept ordering my mom around, and throw into a temper almost everyday. By the time they came back, he will be complaining about his health problem and shut himself in the room for the whole day. No conversion, almost nothing except for the complains. Whenever we tried to talk about something, it is as if it reminds him of the past and he will start his complaining about his condition and or throw into temper.

But, we are all united and stay beside him. The first one to leave us, is younger sister. She went to help my parents with their work after during the holidays of her technical education. Times are bad, and my job at that time isn't that great. I took a long time trying to find my first job, and the job was recommended by my sis. She is a great person, someone who knows her way around things and is tough at work. Believe me, everyone who worked with her claim that, and she'e been working since she was 17. She is the strongest among us.. , not the academic-great but she is clever, I do believe..

It was when her new school terms was starting.. to be honest, she have no intention of studying after highschool, but we support her, and thr' her friends' help, she finally started her technical education. But, the hospitalisation.. she was suppose to register for her new school term on that day, but my dad stubbornly refuse to let her go, and insists that she have to work. It's her professionalism.. But, it's our family business. (Sort of) and beside, I believe my dad or mom can manage it. If my memory didn't fail me, they have two stalls then, my dad and auntie, my mom and my sis. My mom has to leave because things are getting so bad at work, she can't work with my dad anymore. (Believe it or not, my dad complain that my auntie is climbing on top of his head and she refuse to treat her work seriously.. well, he can scold my mom for just chatting for a minute, why can't he do so if my auntie is lazying around? I can't believe it.)

Anyway, my dad scolded my sister for intending tp apply a half-day off for school registeration. She furiously shouted that at most she don't go.. and she never went, I bet she hate my dad for that. She is a tough girl, yet, that is the period i seen her cried the most time. We told her to ignore dad and to go ahead with the registeration, but once she said it, she will do it. She never continue her studies. She is now working elsewhere.. and honestly I wonder if she ever regretted that? She still wants to study, even she is bad in studying.. but she love studying..

My dad never change better. Shut himself in the room, throws into temper, start telling even strangers about some of our bad habits. I can't believe that, he is telling some one about how bad we are.. Everyone has some negative points, but that is who we are.. and he is complaining about how ungrateful we are and how irresponsible and unrespectful we are. I admit some of those are true, and some of the rest?? He is the one that cause it.. but I never told anyone.. My mom was scolded by him just because she tried to shout at him for telling some strange all these negative about us. Of course, I never went to visit him at his work place since.

I hate him for that.. and yet i don't want to change it. My mom and I never told any relatives or those people he have spoken to about some of the truth, if he is spreading negative rumour about us. Let him be.. he is not my dad... My dad.. he lives in my heart now, only on very rare occasion, I saw my dad in this guy that lives with us, whom we seldom even communicate with. For I can't believe what he is becoming.. accepting the fact that he is my dad.. the dad that I used to know is too much for me. It simply means that I have to accept the fact that the dad I once loved is gone. For now, I just want to continue to love this guy who lives with us, love this guy who I know once has dote on me as I tried so hard to hold on to the memories of the person he once is.

I am trying to change it back to once it was.. I am still trying.. I know it is hard.. I am still trying.. even if it is only a tiny step closer to past. Bloggie, thanks for being with me.. I know my entries are weird. Being in a world, trying desperately to blog down as much happy memories and normal daily life is what I am trying to do. It make me feel normal. Talking about crap makes me a bit happier to forget about those things. To be honest, writing down this seems tough. My heartache for my memories. Sometimes, it wouldn't hurt that much if you never had experience something better. It only hurts after you have experience something so good and lose it.

Yesterday was my parent's offday. I went back for dinner. That is the first time after so long that I tried talking so much to my dad. Not alot... compare to past, but that is the most during this few months. The first time after so long since we sit around together watching TV. Somehow, the scene reminds me so much of the past, so much that I really wanna blog it down. But, my younger sister is not there, she hard reach home before 9pm nowadays. I know, who wants to come home and face this breaking-apart family of mine. I have been trying to hid away from it too.. But, there is a bigger part of me screaming for me to improve it.

Now, my dad can't even support our house. I have taken over the utilities bills about $166 this month. I think I will take that over, I know my parents can't afford that with their $20-$50 earning per day, not including my dad smoking exoenses. Yet, my dad refuse to find a new job. True, he can;t work elsewhere. And he wants to tie my mom with him. If not my mom can at least find a job and get at least a stable pay of $1000 per month with fixed hour. Well, not that tough right? Look at my bugdet below.. I can still spend alot.. so, I shouldn't be too sad.. except to know that my dad has been borrowing money from my relatives to pay off the housing loan of $700 per month, without even consulting me and my sister. We are working adults now, I know I can't afford that, but at least we can help...

The latest report from the doctor indicate that my dad's health is getting weak.. maybe due to the working?? What can I do now? Anyway, I am going to Malaysia today with my friend. The things there are cheaper, perhaps I can get some things for the new year. I know we can't afford much this year, but at least a new clothing for my dad and my sis. I already bought some for mom.. And.. some food for new year.. Great! I gotta cheer up, and stop thinking about the past. Wish me luck!!

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